My Story-the long version.

So much emotion goes into your body image and I personally can't remember a single time in my life when my BODY wasn't an issue. Whether I was 115lbs or 280lbs, I have always felt the same about my body, NOT GOOD ENOUGH! Most people whom I have known since grade school or high school say to me "can you believe I thought I was fat, I would love to have that body again", I say this all the time. It seems like a lifetime ago that I was in gym class going head to head with Teri Cartwright, toes under the bleachers slamming out as many sit-ups as we can while Mrs. Larsen timed us. Back then I could do it. I could run, JUMP HIGH, push ups, sit ups..wear the bikini, mini-skirts, you know the drill.

After high school I did not gain weight. I actually lost weight. I moved out of the house into an apartment with a friend who loved to ride bikes. We would ride down the Kal-haven trail, I would do my buns of steal videos and eat healthy. However, even though I was fit and looked great....I still thought I was too fat. I remember thinking if only my butt could be smaller, if only my stomach could be flatter....give me a break!!!

Fast forward to after having two babies. I am now officially morbidly obese by all standards. I am well over 100lbs overweight and completely lost. It took 5 years to get my second child due to having PCOS and being so overweight. I am tired, I am depressed and I considering WLS. I am getting weight management counseling and I am fighting for every pound to come off only to have it come back after going through a major surgery with complications. At this point I can not believe I used to ever be thin. I still dream that I am thin. In my dreams I am still the thin person I used to be.....but then wake up this other person I do not know.

Fat forward to last January. Still Considering weight loss surgery, still thinking this is the option for me. I start discussing it with my dr who gives me my options. Discuss it with my therapist who says yes he will recommend it but feels confident I can do this on my own if I really try. During this time my father is diagnosed with Colon Cancer. He has surgery to remove a large tumor at the VA hospital in Ann Arbor. I attended all his pre-op appointments with him, help him to make a living will, talk to him about his lack of life insurance...never really thinking it would matter. I find out my family on his side has a history of heart disease, blood clots, cancer, and digestive problems. Still nothing really sinks in as we stop at Finley's on the way home from his last pre-op appt and I order a burger and fries. On December 30th I bring my dad home from Ann Arbor. He is tired and sore and sleeps while I go to the store to get food for him to help him heal. Notice I say HIM. I come home, give him his meds and tell him I am going to change his bandage soon.

After the meds take affect I put him on Colin's bed (the kids were at grandma's) and take off his bandages. I notice that is looks different. Something is not right. The more I look I realize that my father's bowel had come out of his wound and was staring me in the face. I go call 911, watching my husband pass out cold in front of me face down on the floor....and try to keep my father calm. After it was all said and done, a surgery and 4 days later my father died. Even though I informed the surgery that blood clots run in our family and have KILLED members of my family....they failed to give him any thinning medications and he died of a clot to his lungs. While laying in bed with my 10 year old son while he sobbed and cried after losing his grandfather. It was then..that moment was my AH-HA moment. I told Dave that I can not do this to my children. I can not live like this anymore because if something happened to me, I just don't know what they would do. Surgery was not an option. After seeing what I saw, watching my dad go through what he did after his surgery, I can not do it. It is not for me.

Two weeks later I saw an ad in the paper for a local "biggest loser" contest. The deadline was the next day so I jumped on my computer and wrote my essay to turn in at the gym. I had to audition on Saturday but really wasn't sure how things went. The audition didn't go well. I don't do will in front of people. 10 trainers a camera and other people I didn't know....I froze. I did not get picked. I was a mess! Cried, screamed......wanted to cancel my membership to the gym. Then I get a call from the general manager of SWAT who says they are letting "rejects" as I called us, compete for a spot later in the contest. Half price trainer, free meetings.....I went for it! Spent all of my Christmas money on a trainer and hit it hard. I lost 14 pounds in 5 weeks. I didn't make it back into the contest but I kept up my training.

When I first met my trainer Carol I felt very, very, very weak. Treadmill work consisted of me going 2.3 mph...2.5 was a bump up and 3.0 was just not possible for longer than a minute. The elliptical was WORK and 2 mins was my max.....push up?? Barely pulled out 12 on the wall.

By the end of June when we finished I could do 45-60 mins on the elliptical and 3.0 was my brisk walk....and I could do push ups on the bosu ball......squats, lunges, you name it!

Carol told me they were doing another Biggest Loser and I should audition. I couldn't due to cheer but told her I would if they did it again in January....which brings me to today!

I auditioned, got picked for Carol's brown team...and at week 6 I am still going strong. I have lost 21 lbs and MANY inches. I am jogging on the treadmill now for short periods and have done some tough challenges. I will bring everyone up to date on the contest in another entry as this was has the makings of a novel at this point! I will try to update each week with weight loss results and challenges for as long as I stay in the contest. I pray each week I don't get eliminated. It is a stressful game, and very intense. So prayers for strength and perseverance would be greatly appreciated.